going strong

Three days and complete happiness. Thank you prayer warriors, kind words from thoughtful friends, and not judging me. Thank you Jesus for the power to overcome this funk I was in. I know through ceaseless praying and focusing on all the positive things in my life I will be myself in no time at all. Today is yet another snow day. We were out of snow days up here in this wintry northern climate. Which means the kiddos get one more day tacked on to complete the required school days. One summer day lost. Bummer. I guess my memory is clouded with June weather in Texas because my friends tell me it will be okay cuz it's not even that warm yet in June. Are you kidding me??? :) Alright, I'll regress. The kiddos can stay in school one more day. We finally got a decent amount of snow, as you probably figured out since we have a "snow day". We have been taking advantage of all sorts of snowy fun such as sledding until the cold snow goes up our back. Multiple times. Building snowmen. Eating white snow (have to remind Kylie of this seeing we have a puppy now). I hope to maybe make a fort today or spray the snow multiple colors with colored water. OR both. Who knows. Whatever we do it will be fun. Thank you Lord for this extra day to snuggle, bake, giggle, and play with my kiddos while school is definetly not in session.

coffee date

Taken a cue from a blogger that I follow  I have decided to have a virtual coffee date with the handful of friends who read here.

If we were to have coffee I would offer you a variety of flavors that I have on hand for my new Keurig I got for Christmas.  I must say that being the only coffee drinker in my household it is perfect and I don't waste a single drop anymore.  

And we would most likely talk about the weather and how bitter cold it and how we hardly have any snow and how much we are looking forward to some springlike weather and some flowers bursting up through the ground....in about 6-8 weeks.  Until then we will hibernate some more.

And when the weather talk would end I would probably open my heart up a bit and get a bit honest.  I would let you in on how my heart aches for my former life and how many times I have had to hold in the tears as my children talk about how much they too miss specific parts of their Texas life. I would tell you the things which are so much easier to write then to say out loud.

I would tell you much much I miss the busy-ness of my life in Texas.  How much my heart aches for my wonderful Texas friends, how much my soul cries out to find a church that was like CrossPoint. One that is filled to the brim with love for the Lord.  When I was a member there I never once feared that my children would stray from the Lord.  I knew they would grow up with a wonderful group of Christian friends who shared their Love for Christ.  They would always be together and experience their childhood with these same friends and have a strong bond with the older teens.  My kiddos went to an amazing school that was involved with the children and one where the parents were heavily involved.  There were so many opportunities for our children.  And for us.  
And now we live in this town where I question every single day as to why we were brought back here and what purpose do we have in this town?  Were we being led by Satan or by God.  I worry constantly about my children and pray constantly that they leave this town, go to college, and make something of themselves.  And I pray without ceasing that somehow they always have the love of God in their hearts and that they lead a life that would be pleasing to Him.  Because right now, right here, I fear that in the coming years church is going to be boring to them.  Church will not get them excited.  Why would it when they are the only children there?  When no one wants to step out of the small box they are contained in to bring in some new fresh ideas?  Why would they when even us, Danny and I, are not getting our "tanks filled up"?  And it is so hard to look for a church that follows what the bible says and provides for the adults and for the children.  Oh how I miss CrossPoint.


If we were sitting down over coffee right now, I would ask you to pray with me for my heart to settle. To find contentment. And to discern the Lord’s leading. 

If we were having coffee together this morning, after that heavy moment, I’d probably point out something silly like how I really need to take down Kylie's streamers from her birthday and how I need to start weaning Drew off his pacifier and how I can't find Hannah's ballet slippers even though she has dance class tonight.

I'd also want to tell you how I am trying to decide between going back to Honduras this summer or sending my kiddos to Michigan Christian Youth Camp (MCYC) as the two overlap each other.  Each other tugs at my heart so incredibly much that I cannot decide.  Honduras is forever in my heart and I have big dreams of future involvement in Campamento that includes my whole family.  However, MCYC holds many memories for me as a child and I would love my children to experience them as well.  But are they old enough?  Maybe Hannah but I am not sure about Kylie.  So I go 'round and around with it.  At this point I would ask you to please pray for me to seek out what God desires of me and my children and to listen.


At some point in our coffee date, it would probably come up that I’ve  been wanting to start running and attempt a half marathon with my sister-in-law Autumn in May.  And I would laugh because it has been way too icy and cold to even think about running.  On the upside, it should be getting to be spring soon so hopefully it will warm up a bit for me to at least jog a bit to start training.

If we are still sipping our coffee or on our second cup I would want to stop talking and start listening because that I am better at that.  

Well, I hope you enjoyed our virtual coffee date.  It felt good to open my heart up and spill out some things that have been weighing heavily on it.  I know this life will not always be sunshine and roses and that some days will indeed have some gloomy clouds with a bit of thunder but I pray earnestly that I listen to God I would tell you what I know – that Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” And I believe it. I believe that the Lord will actually assign desires to my heart, and then fulfill those desires He has given to me.  And that this life will start to make sense.

Thank you my friends for this lovely coffee date.

girl on fire

Did you leave church yesterday on fire for Christ?  Were you uplifted, encouraged, empowered with Christ's love so much that you wanted to shout it from the rooftops?  I love the praise and worship portion of church.  I love to sing my heart out to God.  To praise His name and proclaim my love for Him through songs.  Songs that speak of my personal relationship with Him.  Songs that make my heart ache for Him and songs that pierce me through and through.  This is what I crave.  I want God to hear the whole church singing with all their heart, soul, and breath.  I want us to bring the house down.  I want us to be on fire for Christ.  Sadly, I don't have that fire anymore.  I don't sing like that anymore.  Maybe it's the song choice.  Maybe it's the atmosphere that is so different.  But that fire.  It's not there.  It's not even close to being there.  And I don't like that.  I don't feel the energy, the love, the soul-shaking singing.  And I know it's not for me to benefit from.  But look at the flipside.  Is God satisfied with the ho-hum singing we are presenting Him?  The songs that lack emotion?  Energy?  The songs that sound more mournful and sad then love and praise?  I know every person is different in how they worship:  some benefit more from the singing, some from the lesson, some from just the fellowship of being there with fellow Christians.  But my biggest concern right now is the atmosphere and the attitude we bring to Christ on Sunday.  I want every Sunday to be one where I leave with my heart full of love and encouragement with a big ol' smile on my face because I know that I gave my all to God that day by singing songs that are personal and uplifting and full of life and a lesson that I can take with me all week long.  If that is not how you feel leaving the building, something needs to change.

"We Will Worship The Lamb of Glory"

"With our hands lifted high to the sky

  And the world wonders why

  We'll just tell them we're loving our King".

I'm in a rut. I'm unmotivated.  I'm lazy.  I'm not feeling creative. And I just don't care.  I feel like giving up.  On something.  On everything.  I don't feel inspired by anything.  I see the pretty trees.  I know I would love to get some beautiful shots of them.  Of my kids.  Of the water.  Of the sky.  Do I?  No.  I don't.  I forced myself to take the kids to the woods yesterday after school.  We were there a total of fifteen minutes.  I was done.  I was over it.  My middle child was crying and screaming as we trudged our way back to the van.  It was not a pleasant experience.  She was overtired.  Drew was tired.  Hannah was hungry.  I was exhausted. From doing nothing.  It was not the outings I remember from a few months back.  I am content staying at home in my p.j.'s all day long.  I am content watching t.v., playing with the kiddos, watching the kiddos play, and surfing the internet.  Looking at everybody's life and all that they are doing and comparing it to my own dull, uneventful life.  There is just nothing to do.  I am home all day with my kids and the kiddos I babysit for which I like doing.  But there are no fun kid activities I can take them to.  No one to meet up with for a playdate.  Danny works all the time.  And I'm just not interested in doing anything.  I miss Texas.  I miss my Texas friends like crazy.  I miss being me.  Being upbeat, motivated, energy-filled, happy, laughing.  Lately, I've been tired and cranky.  I told Danny my body desperately misses all the Vitamin D Texas supplied me with.  It's been gloomy, cloudy, and rainy here lately.  I just miss my old life.  My life that was filled with playdates, church activities, outings, and fun.  I know it will get better.  It has too.  But for now, I'm sulking.  I'm bored.  I'm lazy.  And I'm very much unmotivated.  Pray for me my friends.